Grumposaurus Rex

Picture a twelve step meeting for Big Mouths Anonymous...."Good Evening, My name is Grumpy!  I am a dwarf with an attitude, and it's been 3 hours since I last stuck my foot in my mouth...." Why does this seem all too true of me right now?! Have you ever been in a situation you couldn't control, told yourself it's not all about you and not to be selfish and then gotten really cranky anyway? Well, I have and I do. I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or being overwhelmed and tired. I have plenty of reasons, really...Despite the excuses I come up with though, I have to blame myself. I believe that the LORD has been very clear about a few things in my life. The main one? Respecting and honoring my husband. Which I cannot seem to master.What am I doing wrong? I pray for forgiveness, I ask for help, acknowledging that I can't do it without God's supernatural aid...But I remain a sassy wife who can't hold her tongue! Maybe in my deep down inner woman (!) I still think that God has the same opinion of others' spiritual walks-That it ain't what it should be. And maybe until I lose that judgment-call, I wont be able to progress. OK, so how do I drop the "I-know-best" spiel? Because it seems this is the issue causing the problem, not anyone else's personality, but MINE. You know, on a side note, I loathe seeing my faults, accepting them, and taking them to God. I hope that didn't sound blasphemous or ungrateful. All i meant was it's not fair that I need to get fixed! I  feel that we all need that, not just me. And when I think I'm doing the right thing by confessing,  people agree with me like they've known  about me all along what I've only just realized! Grrrrr. Talk about keeping your mouth shut at that point! It's hard! I end up wrestling this hissing, spitting serpent of a tongue down to silence...Realizing that it's not my job to point out other peoples' flaws. But it still seethes inside! There's my problem again! I want everyone to have to be under the Holy Spirit 'change' mandate, and if it doesn't seem like they are then I will gladly translate for them what the Spirit is telling them! Oh me! I'm in a lot of trouble! I have a lot to surrender and pray about. Paul was wrong...I am chief of sinners! "I am willing to accept this about myself LORD, I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to learn :(     Hey, I know! Maybe I have a spiritual learning disorder..." OK but seriously, Is it really just learning to make a habit of repenting, confessing and surrender? Because I can't help but think I should be further along by now...Or is there another stone that needs to be over-turned? Is there perhaps pride in there adding to the sin and thus preventing true repentance? Pride in how much I should've grown and how much I should know after 10 years in Christ? I say it's very likely, because if I look back to my Christian beginnings when I was 27, I strove to be the best student of the Bible that I could be...It wasn't that hard. I plugged in to a few top-notch studies and ran with it. This is what that looked like: I "outgrew" my family (or so i thought) and considered myself an expert on biblical living, superior in knowledge. I corrected people in Sunday School and at home. I tried my hand at teaching children, EE and opening my home to others peoples children. And I even volunteered to teach! In my mind, I was doing everything a new Christian should be doing! Growing in the Word, serving at church, sharing with the lost, reprimanding Christian family members and generally lording it over my husband.  That's the enthusiasm of a new convert, surely? No, I'm afraid it wasn't. You see I never tackled my pride. And I never considered love. I thought I loved people, that's how I justified telling them what they needed to hear...but I think all they may have heard was clanging cymbals. Eventually I lost the ability to serve....and even to attend small group studies. And that was embarrassing! How did that look to the church body? A stagnant Christian! Not offering to help? I worried what others would think of me, but something told me, or Someone, that I needed to stop no matter how it looked because my motives were wrong. I am thankful that the LORD didn't give up on me, that He pursued me  to show me what it was I needed to overcome with His help. And He pursues me still....It's slow going, this changing thing. It's a little discouraging, I admit. But that may be a residue of that old evil pride again! So, I persevere! I keep walking (or crawling, as the case may be), I keep agreeing with my Father and I have to remind myself to ask Him for more and more help! I say, "LORD! Help me ask for help!". And I remember that love is the greatest of these. I pray for love in our home. I pray for it in my heart. I pray one day that I will be gentle and be able to speak only in love...First to my husband and children, then beyond. Because if there's something else He has taught me, it's that He will not give me kingdom work outside of our home or family until I obey the first thing He gave me to do. And if He doesn't ask me to serve outside of the home again? I will pray that with my very life I can please Him and make Him proud! Cause really what else matters? I want to be a Daddy's girl :)

An Honest Evening

Well, this is nice!! Panera on a Thursday evening :) I've tried to make a habit of coming here alone once a week. I feel a little guilty leaving my hard-working husband at home with the kids....However, I also know I am a better person, wife and mother if I insist on this hour or two away. I make a point to journal my prayers, maybe work on a little creative writing and just experience mental rest. I actually don't feel like coming most nights, I'm tired. And it would be much easier to stay home and flirt with my man and hang with the kids....But once I'm here....There's this voice in my head....I think I recognize it???? Someone from my past, maybe? OK, enough larking about! Yes, it's my voice! I can hear my own thoughts! And they're for me! About me! I mean I pray for people and family in my prayer journal, but the thoughts are uninterrupted. I can sit and repent, and then regroup with a purpose before I leave the cafe!! I actually know what I need to do! Where the tweaks are needed! I can get my priorities straight, before I walk out and go home! I'm sorry it means sacrifice for hubby, and I should let him know I appreciate it. Wow!!! This has really just hit me! I think this post is going to take a turn...You see, honestly, i forgot to mention that I have the tendencies of a beast....Maybe it's a lunar occurrence? But every so often I have a major meltdown, temper tantrum or hormone rage.....something. It's deeply embarrassing, and I hate myself for it.....afterwards. I feel so ashamed, like I should be in therapy, perhaps?! Other Christian women just aren't like this! Home school/Stay-at-home Mums are supposed to be sweet and kind and peaceful....right? Then why do I have to struggle with a monster?? Do I struggle with it? Or do I just let the thing out as soon as I feel it wake up? Because during these outbursts I feel very justified pointing out the victims mistakes and shortcomings. The victim is usually my spouse. He is a very easy-going guy most of the time. But when I feel hard-done-by or taken for granted, i go all out on him, and my children are innocent bystanders. I hate myself even as the slew of words are pouring out. Even as I ruin the kids before my own eyes.....
(What a confession! Now this has become a somber post and I didn't know this is what I would end up writing about! I did ask the LORD to direct me!)
The end result is usually a heart-felt apology to my children and a reluctant one for my husband. At that point I am crying out to God for mercy and help!!!!
"Please LORD, how can I control this tongue of flames?"
"Why do I lose control"
"OK, maybe upbringing didn't help. But I'm a Christian, now! Aren't i supposed to be different, new?"
"Why can't I forgive and let go of my bitterness, when You have commanded me to do so?"
The learning is painful, and I hesitate to say that I am changing, growing and improving by His Grace. I hesitate because I don't care to be tested in this area. Too volatile.
OK so back to the gist of it! This is one of the reasons i am out once a week! To journal, gather my thoughts, order my prayers and line up the priorities. It's a good reason, right?!!
If it spares my family from seeing this side of me, if it spares me the guilt and pain of making such a huge mistake, and then the agony of seeing my true nature....It's worth it.
To be aware of the sin one is capable of is a burden. True, it drives me to prayer, and it is a humbling experience....but it is ugly and depressing too.
Fortunately, the scriptures tell me that there is hope for me! It seems too good to be true! Dare I believe it? How can a just and righteous God love me after this? And it's so much worse now that i know it's not allowed! (An unsaved me would have stood her ground and driven her partner away by now.) How could I call my God Father when I'm not worthy? I have struggled with this the entire ten years I have been under the cover of a Savior. Doing things right, I can understand! It's forgiveness and mercy that I just can't fathom!! And love!!! Love?
This is the leg of the journey I am on now. Through much pain and repentance, He is finally getting through to me with His love :) And it's a soothing balm! A sweet breath of care and detailed attention in the middle of a hectic day. A whisper that He sees me right now! and He's interested in my little sheltered life....This life that I fear I am failing to live. This life that I worry that I'm wasting.  He is cracking my hard, outer shell. And I believe His purpose is to teach me that even in the daily hum-drum, the seemingly insignificant hours, the rushed moments where I don't slow down.....He will shape me and He will be glorified...And this has always been my desire, I just didn't know what I was asking!!

Children and Jesus.

Hello,
It's a Wednesday afternoon, and I sit here with the children as they work on their school.
Sounds very prim and proper! But in reality, I'm calling out to my 2 yr old, to determine what
she is up to-It's very quiet, and that could mean trouble! My 5 yr old, 7 yr old and 10 yr old are
writing and arguing about which restaurants are better....They're multi-tasking, if I want to look
at it in a positive light?!! And my 17 yr old is in a good mood today! Let's just be content with
it, shall we!!!
It's a week of Revival at our church. Not sure how I feel about Revival....especially when it's held twice a year!! That's a lot
of pressure to go forward! But really, how many times can a poor soul walk the aisle to please a
preacher!!? It's about the heart, and yes! the heart can be pricked and repentant during a revival,
for that matter during a Sunday sermon, or a weds night choir rehearsal. My heart actually is moved
on a daily basis. Sometimes because I mess up and I can just feel it!! Like a worm in an apple....gotta throw it out.
I will say this, though, getting back to Revival. My middle daughter went forward for the first time
and will be baptized tonight! Can't complain! Here's how I look at children's baptism: Kids
are going to have a very limited understanding of what exactly they're getting into....but maybe that's the
magic purity of it? It's simply because they love Jesus! They see Him, and they want to be with Him.
Just like the children who followed Him in the gospels. Jesus scolded His disciples when they attempted
to shoo the babes away. "SO, Let the children come to Me", he said. So I will. Now, I believe the LORD
holds onto His little ones, and when they're older they'll know more about messing up and asking for mercy. But for now, my heart is glad :) My 5 yr old wants to go forward too, but there is an age limit to baptism in our congregation. It's quite funny, because this particular child is more "on fire" than any of us in the family!!
I'm already assured of His love for God.
A reformed church that I sometimes visit believes in infant sprinkling, and that's also how they baptize new believers. By sprinkling. Now, I'm actually ok with that! If baptism doesn't save you, and it's plain old water not meant to cleanse you, but to symbolize our identification with Jesus' death and resurrection. Then why does it matter if we're completely submerged? It's an outward show of what God is doing on the inside of us.
There! I just solved a huge theological debate!! No more denominational quarrels in this area, please!
As far as the infant sprinkling goes, they explain it this way: the father is the head of the home, so when he joins a church and becomes a believer, his entire family is to follow in like faith....I like that! Sounds like a healthy family dynamic. And it's the way God intended the family to function....but that subject is for another time and blog :)
I attend a baptist church, so I guess i could be considered a "rebel" for agreeing with reformed theology....Oh well!
Back to my children....It's my job to pray for them now, and guide them, and set an example (ugh!-the hardest part) because I have been entrusted with their nurturing. God will keep them, of that I am sure. And He will pursue them if they stray. I don't think I'm responsible for their eternal security, but why would i load the baggage on and give them more to battle as adults??? Besides, if Jesus has spoken to me about an area of my life, I'm already working on it for that reason. And I hope the kids will at least pick up on my sensitivity to God's voice and my willingness to follow. Whenever I see a trait of mine in them, i cringe! oh! Please don't let them be chained down with the attitudes that I have exhibited!!!
Amen!

About Moi.

Well, here I am- internet journaling...something I swore I wouldn't do!!!!
Somebody thinks I should try this, thinks I have a knack for writing and
a enough whacko idealogies to actually cultivate interest! We shall see.
I am 38 years old, married with 5 living children and one more on the way.
I home school our children. I'm not rich! I'm originally from England.
And I have faith but we'll get to that later ;)
I'm not here to start arguments, or heated discussions. Just to give my
opinion on a number of subjects.
Whatever I want to talk about really!! Sound selfish? Well, it's public
journaling, I guess it's allowed to be.
Why do I call my blog The Rebel Sheep? Well, The Black Sheep sounded
so cliche! But I AM a black sheep. Amongst my family members, my in-laws,
my church family, my peers, my home schooling acquaintances....you name it!
And the Rebel part came from a dear friend, who saw more about me than I
did in myself. I like to think of it as a term of endearment....but i doubt anyone
else will!! Unfortunately, I seem to annoy most people! I suffer from a number
of disorders; I have Speak-before-you-think syndrome, an I'm-always-right
condition, and a severe case of self-doubt....A strange concoction, no?
So, it's gonna be fun browsing through some subjects, funny to share experiences,
and I may tick you off on occasion just to keep the romance going :)
Rebel Sheep.