Grumposaurus Rex

Picture a twelve step meeting for Big Mouths Anonymous...."Good Evening, My name is Grumpy!  I am a dwarf with an attitude, and it's been 3 hours since I last stuck my foot in my mouth...." Why does this seem all too true of me right now?! Have you ever been in a situation you couldn't control, told yourself it's not all about you and not to be selfish and then gotten really cranky anyway? Well, I have and I do. I could blame it on pregnancy hormones or being overwhelmed and tired. I have plenty of reasons, really...Despite the excuses I come up with though, I have to blame myself. I believe that the LORD has been very clear about a few things in my life. The main one? Respecting and honoring my husband. Which I cannot seem to master.What am I doing wrong? I pray for forgiveness, I ask for help, acknowledging that I can't do it without God's supernatural aid...But I remain a sassy wife who can't hold her tongue! Maybe in my deep down inner woman (!) I still think that God has the same opinion of others' spiritual walks-That it ain't what it should be. And maybe until I lose that judgment-call, I wont be able to progress. OK, so how do I drop the "I-know-best" spiel? Because it seems this is the issue causing the problem, not anyone else's personality, but MINE. You know, on a side note, I loathe seeing my faults, accepting them, and taking them to God. I hope that didn't sound blasphemous or ungrateful. All i meant was it's not fair that I need to get fixed! I  feel that we all need that, not just me. And when I think I'm doing the right thing by confessing,  people agree with me like they've known  about me all along what I've only just realized! Grrrrr. Talk about keeping your mouth shut at that point! It's hard! I end up wrestling this hissing, spitting serpent of a tongue down to silence...Realizing that it's not my job to point out other peoples' flaws. But it still seethes inside! There's my problem again! I want everyone to have to be under the Holy Spirit 'change' mandate, and if it doesn't seem like they are then I will gladly translate for them what the Spirit is telling them! Oh me! I'm in a lot of trouble! I have a lot to surrender and pray about. Paul was wrong...I am chief of sinners! "I am willing to accept this about myself LORD, I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to learn :(     Hey, I know! Maybe I have a spiritual learning disorder..." OK but seriously, Is it really just learning to make a habit of repenting, confessing and surrender? Because I can't help but think I should be further along by now...Or is there another stone that needs to be over-turned? Is there perhaps pride in there adding to the sin and thus preventing true repentance? Pride in how much I should've grown and how much I should know after 10 years in Christ? I say it's very likely, because if I look back to my Christian beginnings when I was 27, I strove to be the best student of the Bible that I could be...It wasn't that hard. I plugged in to a few top-notch studies and ran with it. This is what that looked like: I "outgrew" my family (or so i thought) and considered myself an expert on biblical living, superior in knowledge. I corrected people in Sunday School and at home. I tried my hand at teaching children, EE and opening my home to others peoples children. And I even volunteered to teach! In my mind, I was doing everything a new Christian should be doing! Growing in the Word, serving at church, sharing with the lost, reprimanding Christian family members and generally lording it over my husband.  That's the enthusiasm of a new convert, surely? No, I'm afraid it wasn't. You see I never tackled my pride. And I never considered love. I thought I loved people, that's how I justified telling them what they needed to hear...but I think all they may have heard was clanging cymbals. Eventually I lost the ability to serve....and even to attend small group studies. And that was embarrassing! How did that look to the church body? A stagnant Christian! Not offering to help? I worried what others would think of me, but something told me, or Someone, that I needed to stop no matter how it looked because my motives were wrong. I am thankful that the LORD didn't give up on me, that He pursued me  to show me what it was I needed to overcome with His help. And He pursues me still....It's slow going, this changing thing. It's a little discouraging, I admit. But that may be a residue of that old evil pride again! So, I persevere! I keep walking (or crawling, as the case may be), I keep agreeing with my Father and I have to remind myself to ask Him for more and more help! I say, "LORD! Help me ask for help!". And I remember that love is the greatest of these. I pray for love in our home. I pray for it in my heart. I pray one day that I will be gentle and be able to speak only in love...First to my husband and children, then beyond. Because if there's something else He has taught me, it's that He will not give me kingdom work outside of our home or family until I obey the first thing He gave me to do. And if He doesn't ask me to serve outside of the home again? I will pray that with my very life I can please Him and make Him proud! Cause really what else matters? I want to be a Daddy's girl :)