Waiting for Rowan.

I am two weeks away from my due date. The 26th of December. I usually have babies late, though! So to play it safe on my emotions I will expect him by the 5th of January. That way I wont go crazy with anxiety!!!!!! (As i have done with my previous 5!!) I want to share that exactly one year ago today, I was told by an ultrasound tech that my 15 week old unborn baby had no heartbeat. This was my first experience with a miscarriage. It near drove me insane. You'd think it would be something easy to get over! At least I never gave it much thought even when my close friends miscarried. How selfish of me. However I thank my LORD that I am so close to delivering another baby on this dismal anniversary. I have a feeling if I wasn't pregnant, right now, that I would be under the same black cloud that I was under this time last year. I don't believe that I ever got out from under that gloom. But I do think the first chink of sunshine I saw was the day I took a home pregnancy test, and found out that I was getting another chance! I was so thankful! I still am! And it was only two or three days ago that I really did realize that God WAS in control of the life of the baby  we lost....You see, I had to blame myself for the baby dying. I'm that kind of person PLUS I knew something wasn't right during that time. I felt weak and sick. I was swollen even in my first trimester. I had the shakes. Certain foods and drinks triggered reactions in me that I had never experienced. But my midwife said all of my symptoms were normal.....After I miscarried, she sent me to a Dr who knew immediately that I had hypoglycemia. Now, as a believer, I have to say that if the LORD wanted to He could have sent me to that Dr before it was too late, right? And yes, I only realized THAT a few days ago!! Up until that point I told myself that I had to take responsibility so that I could do things right this time.....As if nothing else could go wrong.....even now. It's a morbid way to think, but women have stillbirths all the time. And their babies seemed perfectly healthy up until that point.So, I know to put my trust in God, that nothing is promised and yet though the outcome causes me pain, I am to trust Him still. He would not harm me. I am His child. That being said :) I am looking forward to seeing this little boy! I feel like I have been pregnant for a year and a half, and I lacked the closure of seeing James whom I had to have surgically removed. This child, LORD willing, will represent two children. The one we lost and never saw and himself! I believe his presence in our lives will bring the healing we all need. He cannot replace our son who is in Heaven, but he can bring joy to sore hearts! Our son's name is Rowan. It's a strong name, my husband feels. We're waiting to hold you little one and look upon your face....