An Honest Evening

Well, this is nice!! Panera on a Thursday evening :) I've tried to make a habit of coming here alone once a week. I feel a little guilty leaving my hard-working husband at home with the kids....However, I also know I am a better person, wife and mother if I insist on this hour or two away. I make a point to journal my prayers, maybe work on a little creative writing and just experience mental rest. I actually don't feel like coming most nights, I'm tired. And it would be much easier to stay home and flirt with my man and hang with the kids....But once I'm here....There's this voice in my head....I think I recognize it???? Someone from my past, maybe? OK, enough larking about! Yes, it's my voice! I can hear my own thoughts! And they're for me! About me! I mean I pray for people and family in my prayer journal, but the thoughts are uninterrupted. I can sit and repent, and then regroup with a purpose before I leave the cafe!! I actually know what I need to do! Where the tweaks are needed! I can get my priorities straight, before I walk out and go home! I'm sorry it means sacrifice for hubby, and I should let him know I appreciate it. Wow!!! This has really just hit me! I think this post is going to take a turn...You see, honestly, i forgot to mention that I have the tendencies of a beast....Maybe it's a lunar occurrence? But every so often I have a major meltdown, temper tantrum or hormone rage.....something. It's deeply embarrassing, and I hate myself for it.....afterwards. I feel so ashamed, like I should be in therapy, perhaps?! Other Christian women just aren't like this! Home school/Stay-at-home Mums are supposed to be sweet and kind and peaceful....right? Then why do I have to struggle with a monster?? Do I struggle with it? Or do I just let the thing out as soon as I feel it wake up? Because during these outbursts I feel very justified pointing out the victims mistakes and shortcomings. The victim is usually my spouse. He is a very easy-going guy most of the time. But when I feel hard-done-by or taken for granted, i go all out on him, and my children are innocent bystanders. I hate myself even as the slew of words are pouring out. Even as I ruin the kids before my own eyes.....
(What a confession! Now this has become a somber post and I didn't know this is what I would end up writing about! I did ask the LORD to direct me!)
The end result is usually a heart-felt apology to my children and a reluctant one for my husband. At that point I am crying out to God for mercy and help!!!!
"Please LORD, how can I control this tongue of flames?"
"Why do I lose control"
"OK, maybe upbringing didn't help. But I'm a Christian, now! Aren't i supposed to be different, new?"
"Why can't I forgive and let go of my bitterness, when You have commanded me to do so?"
The learning is painful, and I hesitate to say that I am changing, growing and improving by His Grace. I hesitate because I don't care to be tested in this area. Too volatile.
OK so back to the gist of it! This is one of the reasons i am out once a week! To journal, gather my thoughts, order my prayers and line up the priorities. It's a good reason, right?!!
If it spares my family from seeing this side of me, if it spares me the guilt and pain of making such a huge mistake, and then the agony of seeing my true nature....It's worth it.
To be aware of the sin one is capable of is a burden. True, it drives me to prayer, and it is a humbling experience....but it is ugly and depressing too.
Fortunately, the scriptures tell me that there is hope for me! It seems too good to be true! Dare I believe it? How can a just and righteous God love me after this? And it's so much worse now that i know it's not allowed! (An unsaved me would have stood her ground and driven her partner away by now.) How could I call my God Father when I'm not worthy? I have struggled with this the entire ten years I have been under the cover of a Savior. Doing things right, I can understand! It's forgiveness and mercy that I just can't fathom!! And love!!! Love?
This is the leg of the journey I am on now. Through much pain and repentance, He is finally getting through to me with His love :) And it's a soothing balm! A sweet breath of care and detailed attention in the middle of a hectic day. A whisper that He sees me right now! and He's interested in my little sheltered life....This life that I fear I am failing to live. This life that I worry that I'm wasting.  He is cracking my hard, outer shell. And I believe His purpose is to teach me that even in the daily hum-drum, the seemingly insignificant hours, the rushed moments where I don't slow down.....He will shape me and He will be glorified...And this has always been my desire, I just didn't know what I was asking!!